a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
