I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
