I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If I die, sorry about rent.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize