hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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