Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
