Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize