Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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