I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
