I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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