I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
