I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
