Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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