Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
