There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
