dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
pray to the hookup gods
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
