its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
