my phone needs a breathalizer
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
