Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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