i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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