Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Randomize
