If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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