Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
