There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I want her autograph on my taint
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
