my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
as a side note pls kill me
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
