A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
