can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
