Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
