im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
How does it feel to date your dad?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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