Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
