My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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