She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
