he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
