I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize