i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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