did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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