Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize