oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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