Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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