Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
