so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
