haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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