I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
