okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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