you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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