At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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