I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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