If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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