Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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