She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
