I'm going to rape someone's good day.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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