suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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