I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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