the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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