yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize