I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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