he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
